How I found myself practicing Yoga

At that time in my life, (which is not a time in the past as I am constantly going through this kind of moments) I was lost.

Yes I know it’s so cliché, to start the practice of yoga during a moment of distraction, of despair, in short a difficult moment, « yoga saved me »! I too used to laugh at this kind of statement, but for real, it’s more than that I think. It’s not yoga, it’s despair, unhappiness, loss. All that boring stuff there, in real life, pushes you to run away. Isn’t it just when you think that the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t exist that you realize that it’s a matter of flipping the switch to open the electrical circuit that allows you to supply a point of light with electricity? Yoga is this circuit for me (there are many, art for example?), and the starting point is to want to start yoga (or something). Yoga allows me to always perceive this light in the darkness, it is the vehicle that allows me to get out of the pain, just for a moment.

At that time (2020) I was living with N, whom I considered the love of my life (before I realized that he will always be a source of love in my life but not necessarily the man of my life). We had been sharing the same bed for almost three years and I liked our life.

A year before I met him, I was physically raped by a man. « A friend » to friends supposedly (more like a defiled soul). I don’t remember anything because I was unconscious, but I know that he soiled a part of me in his horror. I was unconscious, but my body has retained extremely painful memories and after-effects of this event (the body often provides the link between the unconscious and the conscious I suppose, especially in this case). I know this article is supposed to tell about my first yoga experience, the first studio I practiced in or the first video I watched and which YouTube channel I personally recommend to start yoga, but, as this practice is not a sport and has nothing to do with physical performance (although physical practice is a part of it, *read Asana*), it is impossible for me to overlook a traumatic event for my body as well as for my mind (yoga practice brings these two entities together).

I am often the subject of my actions (as in this sentence for example), and I like to be able to choose to be, object (when it is in my control). Unfortunately, sometimes you just go through the motions and you have to find a way to live with it. I didn’t know that yoga was going to help me deal and live with my ailments, but I know that I wanted to get through it, to survive. So I wanted to do something, to start somewhere. I started with a leap of faith (faith in life), I decided I wanted to be able to take the leap (sometimes you need the leap to understand a situation more closely). I write in my journal on September 12, 2020, « […] I can’t very well bring my emotions back to an event until I have some perspective on it. » There is indeed an attachment to life that comes from the body: we live before we think (*read my article on the myth of Sisyphus*).

I would say that I have always been flexible, maybe a little too flexible at times, especially in how I handle certain situations and the person(s) involved. I have chosen to let things go, not to get angry, not to complain, to always be in introspection and to dialogue with myself (sometimes confrontation is necessary). Perhaps I have misunderstood? Misinterpreted? I don’t remember… should I get angry? But I feel, I feel, I feel that this is not right, it is not done. Anyway, back to the big gap. I thought it would be really cool to be able to do the splits. Maybe even touch my head with my feet at some point? I think subconsciously I started yoga because I wanted to make connections. Life is worth living I find, I would like to live for a big idea to be realized.

So I started yoga in April 2020, I write in my journal on September 14, 2020 (to my mother, on her birthday): « […] You know, I started yoga, and I’m good at it too. It’s really making me feel enough. I’m really lost, I don’t know why sometimes I feel like I’m suffocating, I don’t know why, sometimes I feel suffocated and then I remember that I can breathe. »

It really starts there, then comes the will, and then you do it.

All of this is to say that you end up doing something/anything because you want to start and do. In other words, when there is life, there is desire, and then you just have to exercise this.

I wanted to start yoga because it looked cool, I’m not going to pretend I knew it was because there was a lot I had to deal with internally. However, I know now that subconsciously the urge came from within, and it was just a matter of wanting it enough, doing it, and then continuing, always.

Well, now that that’s said, how did you start?

First face-to-face classes:
Yoga with Serah, Ohana Space 🌸
https://www.instagram.com/yogawithserah/
https://www.instagram.com/ohanaspaceyoga/
https://www.instagram.com/ohanayogabythesea/

These spaces are truly magical, whether it’s the studio (Cornet Chehwan) or the garden (Naas, Lebanon). Ohana Space also has a practice space by the sea, which I haven’t been to yet (I plan to go there as soon as I set foot in Lebanon!).
However, the real magic is Serah Barakat (@yogawithserah). Precise, gentle, knowledgeable and extremely generous, her voice and instructions moved my body and rocked my soul. Serah’s classes are for everyone, regardless of the level of the person practicing. It is because of her grace that I got hooked (also, her Savasanas at the end of the flow. They are the best guided Savasana for me).